No Apologies: Studying as a Working Parent

As we near the end of yet another test cycle, I am continually reminded that there are a group of people that need to be recognized.  I was one of those people that needed someone to tell me I was doing a good job and that it would all be worth it in the end.  I am amazed at the number of working moms and dads that are studying for their exam.  To me, you have it the hardest.  Maybe I say that because I was there a few months ago.  Maybe I say that because I don’t know how our household survived and I looked at others that didn’t have children and to me, they had it easy (as if there was such a thing while studying for the exam).

I feel like I should fill you in a little about me.

I went and got my undergrad at the University of Kansas and ended up switching from psychology to a major in Applied Behavioral Sciences.  I loved our field and working with preschoolers with autism.  I moved to Arkansas with my now husband.  I had all the supervision hours and coursework to sit for the BCaBA exam, but for some reason I wasn’t excited about studying for it.  We ended up getting pregnant and then having a baby, which became my new excuse for not going for that certification.  I was officially 5 years post-undergrad which meant 5 years with no studying ABA except for my daily job working in a school district training teachers and paras in Discrete Trial Training.

For me to make studying worth my time, I knew I needed to go back to school and just get a Master’s degree.  But, really…that seemed like a ton of work.  Our school district hired a BCBA-D and one day she literally picked up the phone, dialed Ball State, and then handed the phone over to me.  She said that she would supervise me for free if I started their Master’s program in ABA and the rest is history.  Who could turn that down?

For two years, I took 6 hours a semester all while working fulltime and raising a 2-year-old.  My daughter saw me study my butt off, write papers, and read textbooks and papers.  Really, it was the right time to go back to school.  I knew if I didn’t do it then, that it would be so much harder when we decided to have another.  Finally, I finished the program and had people at work pushing me to sit for the exam ASAP.  What you have to find out the hard way is that you take 2 years of full time studying for school and then when you are finished, have to turn around and study again for a board exam.  And you HAVE to pass the test because if you don’t, all you have worked for will be for nothing.

I ended up getting pregnant with our second in June of 2015 and giving birth in February 2016.  I knew that I needed to start really studying for the exam, like for real studying.  I was on maternity leave at the time and knew that while I was home, it would be the perfect time to study.  Instead of sleeping when my newborn slept, I studied.  I talked to her about concepts and read sections of Cooper to her.  I went over flash cards and signed into study sessions with her in my lap.  It was HARD and I felt like I was juggling 100 things at a time…because I was.

I was making lunches, changing diapers, feeding a baby, picking up a child from school, studying, making dinner, joining study sessions, doing laundry, cleaning the house, paying bills…and the list just goes on.  In May, my maternity leave ended and thus began the study journey of working full time, studying, and raising children.  Life just got 10x harder.  While at work, I could only study during my lunch break and so I had to do all the things listed above between when I got home from work and when I finally went to bed.  There isn’t a whole lot of time for ANYTHING and that is when I felt the most out of control.

The hardest part was seeing posts from people about how amazing their life was because they got to stay at home with their child during the day and how lucky they were.  Let’s be honest here, none of us that are studying for this exam are studying so we can be stay-at home moms/dads.  We are doing it because we LOVE the field.  We are doing it because we love what a difference we can make in people’s lives.  We are doing it because, like Forbes wrote, it is one of the top 10 most meaningful jobs and we know this to be true.

I learned something so valuable during this whole process and ‘SURPRISE’, it didn’t come from Cooper.

I learned not to apologize.

And frankly, you shouldn’t either.

• Don’t apologize for muting yourself and turning video off during a study session so that you can nurse your baby and keep studying.
• Don’t apologize for having your computer set up in the kitchen for a study session while you have your baby strapped to you in a carrier while you make dinner for your husband who is on his way home from work.
• Don’t apologize for asking for help with household responsibilities.  It’s only temporary and you can get back to your OCD organization of household management soon enough.
• Don’t apologize that you need to stay home and study while the house is quiet instead of going out to eat with the family.  Your children need that 1:1 time with their mom/dad anyways, right?
• Don’t apologize for having a messy house.  Choose what little free time you have spending it with your family rather than behind a vacuum.
• Don’t apologize that your children are seeing you study all the waking hour and that you are working your ass off for something that isn’t easy.  Hold yourself tall.
• Don’t apologize when you get the results back that say PASSED, that your children saw you put your blood, sweat, and tears into this beast.  That it took years to get this far but was worth it in the end.
• Don’t apologize when others make you feel bad about being a working mom.  You are doing something that not everyone can say that they are doing.  You are changing lives.  Actually changing lives.  And yet, you also have to make time to take your children to dance, pick kids up from school, and eat family dinners.  You can’t put being a mom or dad on hold for a month while you study.  If only it worked like that.
• Don’t apologize that you are STRONG and DETERMINED and SMART.  Ever.

No apologies.

But, here is what you should do.  You should say “Thank you.”

• Say “thank you” to those around who you are leaning on to help you around the house.
• Say “thank you” to those who have dropped everything to pick your kids up from school when a study session has run late.
• Say “thank you” to the grandparents that go to soccer games so that you can leave early just to get on the computer for a study course.
• Say “thank you” to those who understand why you don’t have time to go out for a drink, go to a movie, or have girl’s night watching TGIT.
• Say “thank you” to your parents for coming into town and leaving with the kids so that you have a quiet house to study in.
• Say “thank you” to your study partners who took the time to learn your children’s names and who take time to talk to them when they sneak in front of the camera.
• Say “thank you” to neighbors who tell you to send over your oldest and ends up keeping her for dinner until the hubby gets home so that you can study while the youngest is napping.
• Say “thank you” to your spouse for helping pick up where you left off and for not making you feel bad that you cannot do it all.
• And, say “thank you” to your children.  They need to hear from you that you are indeed sacrificing time with them in order for you to fulfil your dreams and that you thank them for letting you.  You are teaching your children something so valuable and that even at 31, you can still go back to school and fulfil a dream.

All of this being said, you all are amazing.  You work so hard trying to figure out how to balance it all and the truth is that the scales are broken.  Your time and energy is going more into studying than your family at this point…and that is okay.

No apologies.

If you are a parent and are trying to decide if now is the time to even start studying, the answer is yes.  You can do it.  When you pass, you will look back on it and wonder how you survived those few months of hard core studying.  But the key is that you did survive…and so did everyone else around you.

No apologies.

Lindsey Lovelady, MA., BCBA.

Co-Owner of Rogue ABA

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